Straight from the horse's mouth... BtVS: Season 1




Here are some quotes from my favorite TV show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer. They are divided up by episodes in chronological order.


Welcome to the Hellmouth/ The Harvest

This is just too much. I mean, yesterday my life's like, uh oh, pop quiz. Today, it's rain of toads. --Xander

Gee, can you vague that up for me? --Buffy

Willow, nice dress. Good to know you've seen the softer side of Sears. --Cordelia

Can I have you?...Uh, can I help you? --Xander

Oh, really? --Willow

This place gives me the wiggins. --Buffy

I don’t like vampires. I’m gonna take a stand and say they’re not good. --Xander

Don't worry. I don't bite. -- Angel (arrgghh the irony)

You're certainly a font of nothing. --Xander

Don't you have an elsewhere to be? --Cordelia

Gym was canceled due to the extreme dead guy in the locker. --Cordelia

I'm on the prowl. Witness me prowling. --Jesse

You're like a textbook with arms. --Buffy to Giles

People have a tendency to forget what they can, and rationalize what they can’t. --Giles

Get within a hundred yards of the gym with a book matches, and you'll grow up in juvie hall. --Prinicpal Flutie, original WTTH script

This is not gonna be pretty. We're talkin' violence, strong language, adult content. --Buffy

Will you be ready? There's so much you don't know about them, about your own powers. --Giles

God! What is your childhood trauma?! --Cordelia

This world is older than any of you know, and contrary to popular mythology, it did not begin in a paradise. For untold eons, demons walked the earth, made it their home, their hell. In time, they lost their purchase on this reality, and the way was made for mortal animals. For man. What remains of the Old Ones are vestiges: certain magicks, certain creatures... --Giles

Buffy: What do I want?
Angel: To kill them. To kill them all.
Buffy: Sorry, that's incorrect, but you do get this lovely watch and a year's supply of turtle wax.

Buffy: Who are you?
Angel: Let's just say I'm a friend.
Buffy: Well, maybe I don't want a friend!
Angel: I didn't say I was yours.

Buffy: First of all, I'm a vampire slayer. And secondly, I'm retired. Hey, I know! Why don't you kill 'em?
Giles: I'm a Watcher. I haven't the skill.
Buffy: Oh, come on! Stake through the heart, a little sunlight. It's like falling off a log.
Giles: A Slayer slays, a Watcher...
Buffy: Watches?
Giles: Yes...no!

Giles: We may, in fact, stand between the earth and it's total destruction.
Buffy: Well, I’ve got to look on the bright side. Maybe I can still get kicked out of school.
Xander: Oh, yeah, that's a plan. 'Cause a lot of schools aren't on Hellmouths.
Willow: Maybe you could blow something up. They're really strict about that.
Buffy: I was thinking of a more subtle approach. You know, like, excessive not studying.
Giles: The earth is doomed.




The Witch

For I am Xander, King of Cretins. Let all other lesser cretins bow before me. --Xander

Morning, your Highness. Beheadings at noon as usual? --Xander to Cordelia, original Witch script

I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away. --Xander

Jeepers. --Buffy

Priorities. Really, if I had the power of the black mass, I'd set my sights a little higher than making the pep squad. --Giles, original Witch script

Wave "Hi" to the nice little witch! --Xander

Giles: Why would anyone want to harm Cordelia?
Willow: Maybe because they met her. Did I say that?

Giles: One doesn't want to be immodest, but I am not unsatisfied--
Buffy: Giles, stop being so proper. You're in America. Brag.
Giles: Well, it was my first time, and some of those incantations are quite tricky. And I was somewhat interpretive with the ingredients....
--original Witch script

Buffy: I just got kicked of the team, didn't I?
Xander: I don't think it was your fault.
Buffy: I know you don't. That's 'cause you're my friend...you're my Xander-shaped friend. Do you have any idea why I love you so, Xander?
Willow: We got to get her to a...
Xander: Let her speak.
Buffy: I'll tell you. You're not like other boys at all.
Xander: Well...
Buffy: You're totally and completly one of the girls. I'm that comfy with him.
Xander: That's great.




Teacher's Pet

It's funny how the earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to. --Xander

I don’t know what to say. It was really...I mean...one minute you’re in your normal life and then...whose in the fridge? It really gets to you seeing something like that. Let’s just say I haven’t been able to eat a thing since yesterday. I think I lost 7 and 1/2 ounces. Way swifter than that so-called diet that quack put me on. Oh, I am not saying we should kill a teacher every day so I can lose weight. I am just saying, when tragedy strikes we have to look on the bright side. You know? Like even how used Mercedes still have leather seats. --Cordelia

Generally speaking, when scary things get scared, not good. --Xander

There are no books, but it's dark and musty. You'll feel right at home. --Buffy to Giles, about the video library

Destructo Girl! That's Me! --Buffy

Giles: This computer invasion that Willow's performing on the coroner's office….one assumes that it is entirely legal?
Willow: Entirely.
Buffy: Of course.
Giles: Right. Wasn't here, didn't see it, couldn't have stopped you.

Angel: You’re cold.
Buffy: You can handle it.
Angel: I mean. You look cold. [Hands her his jacket]
Buffy: Of course, it would make things easier if I knew how to get in touch with you.
Angel: I’ll be around.
Buffy: Or who you were?…Well, anyway, you can have your jacket back.
Angel: No, it looks better on you.
Buffy: Oh, boy.




Never Kill a Boy on the First Date

Buffy, when I said you could slay vampires and have a social life, I didn't mean at the same time! --Giles

All right, all right. You're always bossing me around. --Xander to Willow, original NKABOTFD script

Clark Kent has a job. I just wanna go on a date. --Buffy

Hello, salty goodness! Pick up the phone, call 911. That boy is going to need some seroius oxygen after I'm through with him. --Cordelia

All right, all right. You're always bossing me around... --Xander to Willow, original NKABOTFD script

Giles: I'll just jump into my time machine, go back to the 12th century, and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show.
Buffy: OK, at this point you're abusing sarcasm!

Buffy: Giles, you just had something nice to say. You complimented me.
Giles: Yes, and let's not call attention to it.
--original NKABOTFD script

Buffy: See, this is a school, and we have students and they check out books and then they learn things.
Giles: I was beginning to suspect it was a myth.

Owen: So, where do you know Buffy from?
Angel: Work.

Xander: How’d the slaying go last night?
Buffy: Xander?!
Xander: No, I don’t mean that. I mean, how’d the laying go? No, I don’t mean that either.




The Pack

Testosterone is a great equalizer. It turns all men into morons. --Giles

Why couldn't Xander be possessed by a puppy or...some ducks? --Willow

Nobody messes with my Willow. --Xander

Buffy: There's something supernatural at work. Get your books. Look stuff up!
Willow: What are you going to do?
Giles: Get my books. Look stuff up.




Angel

Huh, check out these babies; good-bye, stakes, hello, flying fatality. What can I shoot? --Buffy

Good dogs don't bite. --Angel

Crazed dance party at the Bronze! --Xander

No, no speaking up. That way leads to madness...and sweaty palms. --Willow

Angel? I can just see him in a relationship. “Hi honey. You’re in grave danger. I’ll see you next month.” When he is around, it’s like the lights dim everywhere else. You know how it’s like that with some guys? --Buffy

Love sucks. Ever since I was in grammar school, it's the same old dance... You dig someone, they dig someone else. And then that someone else digs someone else. --Xander, original Angel script

Where did you get that dress? This is a one of a kind Todd Oldham! Do you how much this dress costs? Is this a knock off? This is a knock off isn’t it! Some cheesy knock off! This is what happens when we sign these free trade agreements. --Cordelia

You couldn't just give her a cell phone for Christmas, could you? --Xander, original Angel script

Pay attention, child. You are the Anointed, and there is much you must learn. With power comes responsibility. --The Master

Angelus leaves Ireland, uh, wreaks havoc in, in Europe for, uh, several decades, and then, um, about eighty years ago, the most curious thing happens. He, he comes to, uh, to America, um, shuns other vampires, and, and lives alone. There's, there's no, no record of him hunting here. --Giles

I don't think we can save her with Disco Fever... Oooo, strobe... --Xander, original Angel script

Angel: This can’t...
Buffy: Ever be anything, I know.

Joyce: Now you know how I feel about you every minute of every day.
Buffy: I guess I do. Ouch, and now I am so sorry for about a kazillion things I've put you through.
--original Angel script

Buffy: Angel, do you snore?
Angel: I don't know. It's been a long time since anyone's been in a position to let me know.

Darla: Do you know what the worst thing in the world is?
Buffy: Bad hair on top of that outfit?

Darla: What do you want?
Angel: I want it finished.
Darla: That's good....You're hurting me. That's good, too.

Angel: The elders conjured up the perfect punishment for me: they restored my soul.
Buffy: What, they were all out of boils and blinding torments?
Angel: When you become a vampire, the demon gets your body, but it doesn't get your soul. That's gone. No conscience, no remorse...it's an easy way to live.

Buffy: Can a vampire ever be a good person? Couldn't it happen?
Giles: A vampire isn't a person at all. It may have the movements, the memories, even the personality of the person it took over, but it's still a demon at the core. There is no halfway.
Willow: So that'd be a no, huh?

Xander:(to Buffy) You're in love with a vampire? Are you out of your mind?
Cordelia:(walking up) What?
Xander: Not vampire...umpire! How could you love an umpire? Everyone hates them!

Willow: How is it you always know this stuff? I never know what's going on.
Giles: Well, you weren't here from midnight to six researching it.
Willow: No, I was sleeping.




I Robot, You Jane

It was really impressive...but later there was the ick factor. --Willow

Things involving the computer fill me with a child-like terror. Now, if it were a nice ogre or some such, I'd be more in my element. --Giles

Ms. Calendar: You're here again? You kids really dig the library, don't you?
Buffy: We're literary!
Xander: To read makes our speaking English good.

Giles: Does this book look familiar to either of you?
Buffy: Yeah, sure. It looks like a book.
Xander: I knew that one.

Giles: Well, I've examined it. You can, uh, uh, skin it.
Ms. Calendar: Scan it, Rupert. That's “scan” it.

Giles: I'm just going to stay and clean up a little. I'll be back in the Middle Ages.
Ms. Calendar: Did you ever leave?




The Puppet Show

That's cool. --Buffy

Redrum, Redrum! --Xander

I don't get it. What is it? Avaunt-garde? --Snyder (referring to the talent show)

Once again, I'm banished to the demon section of the card catalog. --Willow

Anyone else feel like we’ve been Keyser Soze’d? --Buffy

There are things I will not tolerate. Students loitering on campus after school. Horrible murders with hearts being removed. And also smoking. --Principal Snyder

Cordelia: What?
Giles: I'm sorry...you're hair...
Cordelia: There's something wrong with my hair? Oh my god... [runs off]
Giles: Xander was right. It worked like a charm.




Nightmares

I don't like spiders, OK? Their furry bodies and their sticky webs, and what do they need all those legs for, anyways? I'll tell you: for crawling across your face during the middle of the night. Ewwww. --Willow

Dreams? No, that would be a musical comedy version of this. Our nightmares are coming true. --Giles

Willow, do shut up. --Xander

Willow: Personal question. When Buffy was a vampire, you weren't still attracted to her, were you?
Xander: Willow, how can you...I mean, that's bent. She was...grotesque.
Willow: Still dug her, huh?
Xander: I'm sick, I need help.
Willow: Don't I know it.




Invisible Girl (AKA Out of Mind, Out of Sight)

I think I speak for everyone here when I say, huh? --Buffy

Behold the weirdness. --Cordelia

I didn’t realize we were speaking in tongues. --Buffy

That is such a twinkie defense. Shylock should get over himself. People who think their problems are so huge craze me. Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatizing event of my life, and she's trying to make it about her leg! Like my pain meant nothing. --Cordelia

Ew, libraries. All those books. What's up with that? --Mitch

A vampire in love with the slayer. It's rather poetic. --Giles

Don't worry, I'm not here to eat. --Angel

I'd give anything to be able to turn invisible... [everyone looks at him] ...but I wouldn't use my power to beat people up. I'd use my power to protect the girls' locker room. --Xander

Giles: You may have to work on listening to people.
Buffy: Very funny.
Giles: I thought so.

Giles: I'd have to say you're right.
Buffy: I love it when he says that.

Buffy: So you came to me for help.
Cordelia: Because you're always around when all this weird stuff is happening. I know you're very strong, and you've got all those weapons. I was hoping you were in a gang.

Giles: You know, I don't ever recall seeing you here.
Cordelia: Oh, no. I have a life.




Prophecy Girl

Just gonna go home, lay down, and listen to country music...the music of pain. --Xander

It's a tradition among... people. --Xander

I maybe dead, but I’m still pretty, which is more than I can say for you. --Buffy

When he wakes up, tell him...I don't know. Think of something cool, tell him I said it. --Buffy

It's the computer age. Nerds are in. --Willow

On a scale of 1 to 10...it sucked! --Xander

Obviously, Kevin has underestimated the power of my icy stare. --Cordelia

We saved the world. I say we party! --Buffy

If you're that amped about hell...then go there. --Buffy

I don’t like you. At the end of the day, I pretty much think you’re a vampire. But Buffy’s got this big old yen for you. She thinks you’re a real person. And right now I need you to prove her right. --Xander

Angel: I know this is hard.
Buffy: What do you know about this? You’re never gonna die!
Angel: You think I want anything to happen to you? Do you think I could stand it? We just gotta figure out a way...
Buffy: I already did. I quit, remember? Pay attention!

The Master: You were dead.
Buffy: I may be dead, but I'm still pretty, which is more than I can say for you.
The Master: You were destined to die. It was written.
Buffy: What can I say? I flunked the written.

Giles: I've made up my mind.
Buffy: So have I.
Giles: I made up mine first!

Xander: You were looking at my neck.
Angel: What?
Xander: You were checking out my neck. I saw that.
Angel: No, I wasn't.
Xander: Just keep your distance, pal.
Angel: I wasn't looking at your neck.
Xander: I told you to eat before we left.

Xander: How can I say this clearly? I don't like you. At the end of the day, I pretty much think you're a vampire. But Buffy's got this big old yen for you. She thinks you're a real person. And right now I need you to prove her right.
Angel: You're in love with her.
Xander: Aren't you?

Angel: By the way, I really like your dress.
Buffy: Yeah, yeah, a big hit with everyone.





Season 2

Season 3

Season 4







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and the original Official Buffy site at the WB.



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